Let’s be honest, it’s very easy to admit that we love our significant others, but we may not always like them. That is naturally going to happen when you literally spend the rest of your life with someone. When the person you love has MS, things may not always make sense and sometimes the daily challenges couples go through can seem so much bigger.
Showing love and support to someone living with an invisible disease requires sensitivity and understanding of their unique issues, but you have every right to expect compassion and respect in return – because being human is hard. Let’s go over some ways that can help you both be better partners to each other.
It’s important to acknowledge challenges and validate experiences. Don’t question the pain and limitations of your spouse because they look “fine”. Let them know you understand that their illness is real and challenging, even if you can’t see it. On the other hand, be aware of how your caregiver is doing physically and emotionally. Even though they feel like super heroes to us, they are, in the end, only human. You both need to actively listen to each other without judgement – really try to understand the other’s experiences and put yourself in the other person’s shoes.
Offer practical help to each other without complaining. Having an invisible disease does not mean that you are ‘incapable’, you are just ‘differently abled’ and have to closely guard your ‘spoons’. The role of a caregiver can be challenging and demanding – they too can experience stress and fatigue. Work together and share the load of daily tasks. For example – you may have no problem putting dishes away in the bottom cabinets while sitting on your rollator, but your partner, who probably has a back problem (because most of us do once we pass 30), cannot bend over. You cannot reach up high, they cannot reach down low….problem solved and no one is left to struggle on their own.
Focus on spending quality time together. Remind your partner of the things you like about them and engage in activities you both enjoy. Even if you need modifications, doing fun things can boost your mood and spirit. It’s ok to still need space and alone time but try to plan stress free time focused on just the two of you.
Remember to be patient. Living with MS can be frustrating and isolating. Being a caregiver can also be frustrating and isolating. Laugh together, find resources, go to a support group meeting, look for communities online – there are so many options these days. Every person is different, so what works for one may not work for another. The most important thing is to be open-minded, supportive, and willing to listen so that you can face these challenges together and come out stronger on the other end.
Written by: K. Litchard